quiero

I would like to run away with the circus. To find that which is eluding. To discover the means and way to a life less lacking. Unfortunately all I find is an absence. A void left from lives fulfilled, adjacent, yet peripheral to my own. At some point that which I'm familiar with will become unfamiliar. That which I desire forgotten. But for now I live in flux. Wishing for one thing while living another. The true United Statesian existence; that of wanting more while not appreciating what you have. When I awake I'll feel bitter. When I rise I'll feel pain. When I think I'll remember losses, and when I dream it will seem more real than actual life.

I wandered to to a hillside today. I sat and lay on the dry grass in the shade of a shrub. I scrawled spanish phrases on cards while gazing upon the scorched hills of Griffith Park. I thought not of loneliness or absence, I thought of beauty and comfort. I thought of solace and knowledge. For once I dreamt of sharing, not fear of missing, and was at peace. This moment was monumental. Sitting in the near shadow of Frank Lloyd Wright, staring blankly at the rolling grey of the city's northern border, wondering if I'll experience the joy of sharing such a moment with another. Yet there was no fear or sorrow in this moment.

This evening i cried. I sat on my couch and felt tears well. I allowed myself to wallow in my losses. I stumbled through memories of rose garderns and proud parents. I dreamed of warm nights with street lights for stars and clammy palms clasped in mine. I imagined tattooed stiches and suits made of flesh and wondered if mine was destined to be an existence of solitude.

Now I stand in the kitchen, dreading the dawn and sinking deeper into my dreams. I will escape into fantasies scribed by others and wait for next month to relieve me. I will write my own reality for a few fleeting hours and face the waking world with thick bags beneath my eyes and a bitter taste on the back of my tongue.

At least I'm aware of my illusions.

Tomorrow

It seems tomorrow is día de las madres. For some reason i wasn't expecting to have any problems in coping with this day. However, as tomorrow approaches it's baring down on me harder and harder. I've been fighting feelings of being cheated by time, of jealousy for friends who still have theirs, of intense nostalgia, and desires for a stronger memory. It's been thrust upon me unbeknownst to my consiousness and proving trying. In any event, the day will arrive and the memories won't stop and won't strengthen. But in honor of my mother I bring to/direct your attention to this image.

May your mothers' feel the love they deserve, and may mine, wherever she is, continue to feel that which she gave.